A Landmark Post

In the Old Testament, there are frequent accounts of significant events being memorialized in some tangible way, often through making a pile of stones to mark the place the event occurred.  These memorials helped the people remember what God had done for them.

I have adopted a similar practice; whenever there is a significant event in my life, I tag my journal entry that describes the event with the designation of "landmark."  Landmark posts are rare.  When appropriate, I also document these significant events  walk with a blog post, and then save a record of what has happened by making a book of the blog using a service such as Pastbook.

This post records landmark understandings the Lord has graciously provided me as I process grief over my mother's passing.  I pray other caregivers might be helped by this with the realization that a caregiving journey does not have to come to an end before freedom can be attained; we can walk in freedom through the trial.  During all the years of struggle and grief there was also joy and peace as I realigned myself with the Lord each day, His mercies are new every morning, great is thy faithfulness (Lamentations 3:23).  This is the final chapter of my caregiving journey.  I am and have been blessed, not only in spite of Mom's Alzheimer's, but in some ways even because of it.  That's the unmistakable stamp of our Savior; He truly is able to work all things together for our good (Romans 8:28).

Our loved ones do not have to die in order for us to walk in freedom from the harm their sins and errors of judgment or perception have caused us.  Romans 6:4 tells us that when we are baptized into Christ, we are raised with Him to walk in newness of life.  Indeed, apart from the freedom I have in Christ, I could not have survived taking care of my mother throughout her nearly 16 year journey through Alzheimer's. But death draws a final curtain between any unresolved uncertainties and takes away opportunity for reconciliation; old sorrows may be felt more keenly.  The following account is more affirmation than new information, but it is indeed a landmark for me because I don't want to remain bound by old and erroneous judgments or crippled by memories of angry words spoken by my mother when she was in the throes of dementia.
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April 21, 2020

I visited the cemetery today and took several photos of Mom and Dad’s stone.  I could see my reflection clearly in the stone and without thinking too much about it, I took a photo of the stone with my reflection showing. I then moved first to one side and then the other to take photos of just the stone itself and the engravings.  I noticed, and stood there pondering, the significance of the two engravings of trees on the stone, oak I think, one on Mom’s side, the other on Dad’s. 

When I got home, I sat down to scroll through the photos I’d taken.  First there was the one of me, my reflected image standing between my parents’ names.  And then I saw that in one of the photos taken from the side, a large tree was reflected in the center of the stone where my outline had shown in the earlier image. I knew this was significant; I’d noticed the little oak trees engraved next to each of my parents’ names, and ever since I memorized Isaiah 61 many years ago, the verse that says God’s people will be called oaks of righteousness has been meaningful to me.  I have a metal wall sculpture of a large oak tree with deep roots and upward spreading branches above the mantle in my living room.  

And then, just before the photos I’d taken at the cemetery, was a photo I’d taken earlier in the day in our yard.  I’d noticed our oak tree was delineated with unusual clarity in the shadow cast by the rising sun that morning, and had captured the elongated, intricate web of branches in light and shadow. 

II sat there pondering all of this and a gentle awareness of a reassuring truth came to me.  My parents would be, are, happy with me, pleased with my service to them and to the Lord, and with who I am in Him. Children represent their parents’ greatest accomplishment and joy, a joy that can be tainted when the child’s sins and failures cause grief.  I am overweight, and because, in life, my father was judgmental of people who were overweight, I have assumed he would not be pleased with me now.  I was slender at the time of his death.  I am not slender now.  And, in Alzheimer’s, my mother was not happy with me.  The opposite was true.  In her demented view of reality, she felt great anger toward me even as I served her needs.  During the last three years of her life, her anger turned toward her caregivers at the nursing home and away from me, so that we were able to have a time of healing as I sang hymns to her and read Scripture during each visit.  I am grateful for that.  But the 12 years prior to Mom’s nursing home years had seen me catching every nuance of her resentment and anger over her crooked perception of her circumstances.  The confines of her disease became, in her compromised perception, confines I had placed upon her.   Her fight against dementia became a fight against her caregiver. 

All of this is gone now; Dad no longer condemns people for outward appearances, Mom no longer suffers from Alzheimer’s, and both my parents are safe at home in the Lord.  What is left is what is true.  I have given myself to ministries that have yielded eternal fruit, and my parents are pleased with me.  If they were here, they would say, “Well done;” I may hear them express such a sentiment when I reach home myself. Dad’s criticisms and Mom’s anger were “light and momentary troubles,” not eternal judgments.  I can be freed of their sting, even now.  They aren’t true now because they no longer exist, not because my parents have been silenced by death, but because they have been freed by passing through death.  The old has gone, the new has come. 

Lord let the new come for me even now.  Let me walk in freedom of newness of life.  I can be freed from the crooked version of truth I’ve lived with my entire life. As long as I was under the law of my parents’ judgment and anger I couldn’t be freed.  They have been freed from all that kept them from perfect communion with You. Lord free me now from what is no longer true, was never really true.  My Dad’s judgment and my mom’s anger toward me do not exist at all, are no longer sad facts of my life.  My chains are gone, Lord, don’t let me just stay paralyzed in place by bonds that have been cut.  I ask this in Jesus’ Name. 

My chains are gone, I’ve been set free, my Lord my God has ransomed me...unending love, amazing grace (this is from an updated version of Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin).  In yet another seemingly unconnected episode that took place yesterday but now shines with significance, is that earlier in the day I had taken down the sign that reads “Amazing Grace,” that had been over the doorway of my mother’s apartment for all the years since we built the addition for her, and hung it up in a room I’ve just refurbished from ceiling to floor; Lord, likewise, please renew me.  

March, 2020

March, 2020.  Who would have thought that our world would change so quickly in just a month's time?  We are sheltering at home as COVID-19 infects more people day by day.  As of today, April 3, there are 30 cases associated with a nursing home just 20 miles from our home.  We are much in prayer.

The photo above with the red checked tablecloth was taken March 1, the last family dinner we had before we were instructed to stop gathering in groups because of the pandemic.  We celebrated Daniel's birthday that day, several weeks late...so glad we got to do that.

John no longer stops at our local Casey's each morning for his iced tea, and we've tried to take regular walks for exercise since I'm not getting out of the house much otherwise.  Business on the farm must go on as usual so John visits our local grain elevator often for fertilizer and anhydrous tanks, but everyone is getting better about social distancing.  John now carries Clorox-wipes with him and wipes down the trucks he drives following another driver.  We take the precautions we can and trust the Lord.

For some reason, pie has seemed to be my comfort food of choice.  I made 3 coconut cream pies in March, one for each of my kids and their families, and one for us!  I believe the photo above is of the egg free version; it can be done.  I used coconut milk in the pudding and cool whip instead of meringue for the topping on the one for my allergic kids.  I also made an apple pie as a gift for our daughter and son-in-law's 16th anniversary March 27. 

The photo above left was taken on our 46th anniversary, March 30.  We celebrated by building fence together in the morning (my role was to hand John the fence clips) and eating the last two T-bone steaks from our freezer with chocolate pudding cake from dessert.  (We have since had a critter processed at the locker plant a few miles down the road, and so once more have a freezer full of beef).

We are so grateful for the blessings provided us in the eye of this storm.  We are trusting and praying day by day.

I wrote a little rhyme a few years ago when my mother was struggling so with her Alzheimer's disease, and it seems appropriate now:

Joy in the midst of sorrow,

Peace in the midst of pain,

Faith in the truth of God's promise,

There will be sunshine after the rain.  

God bless and protect us.  We are so grateful for His unfailing presence with us.  

January/February 2020

My mom passed away January 23 after a nearly 16 year battle with Alzheimer's disease.  I'm sad for us as we miss her, but blessed for her sake, because she is free of Alzheimer's disease at last and is safe at home with the Lord.

We all dress up so rarely that Mom's services offered an opportunity to catch us looking our best--although some of us were more unhappy than others about the restrictions our nice clothes placed upon us:  

We enjoyed winter walks and had photo worthy snows on January 11 and February 12.

We were blessed with visits from Rebekah and by photos that were texted to us from our grandsons' mom while they were kept from in-person visits by a series of minor viruses.  Daniel's birthday celebration was postponed twice due to illnesses, and we finally gave him his gifts sans a party.  He seems pretty pleased anyhow!

Potato Soup and Homemade Bread--NYUM!

Earlier this week we had freezing rain, rain, snow, and sleet all in one afternoon.  It was a good day for soup and so I put this recipe together.  I like using fat free half n' half for the richness it gives without added fat.  We use skim milk from Brahms Dairy--they condense their skim milk a bit so it isn't as thin and not a bit blue-tinged as regular skim milk can be. 

Snowy Day Potato Soup

6 medium potatoes, peeled and chopped into bite sized pieces

2 medium carrots, quartered lengthwise and sliced

2 stalks celery, diced

1 medium/large onion, diced

2 Tbsp. vegetable oil

2 to 3 cloves minced garlic

6 slices bacon, fried crisp and crumbled

2 cups skim milk

2 and l/2 cups fat free half and half

1 teaspoon sea salt, more to taste

1 teaspoon black pepper

Place oil, carrots, celery, onion, and garlic into a stock pot, cook over medium heat until onion is softened and carrots and celery are tender crisp, about 5 minutes.  Add potatoes and cook an additional 2 to 3 minutes, stirring constantly.  Add 2 cups of water, salt, and pepper, and simmer about 7 minutes, until potatoes are nearly done.  Add milk, fat free half and half, bacon, and heat through. Taste and adjust salt to taste.   

I made a loaf of bread from my standard bread recipe.  My grandkids call it "Grammy Bread" because I make it so often.  It is egg and dairy free out of respect for their allergies.  I also use this dough to make dinner rolls and cinnamon rolls.

Grammy Rolls (or bread)

In a 2 cup glass measure stir together: 

1 cup very warm tap water

3 Tablespoons sugar

1 Tablespoon regular bread yeast

Into bread machine liner, place: 

3 cups unbleached flour

1.5 teaspoons salt

3 Tablespoons vegetable oil

When the water mixture is foamy on top, dump it all at once into the bread machine liner right on top of the flour mixture, process on dough setting.  Form dough into a loaf, let it raise about an hour until doubled in size, bake on a parchment lined rimmed baking sheet at 350 until golden brown (check at 15-18  minutes, watch closely thereafter).  My oven needs a liner or an insulated cookie sheet on the rack below to protect the loaf from getting too brown.  

Pantry Soup

Clockwise from top left:  our "pantry soup" before the noodles were completely cooked--there ended up to be LOTS of noodles, Top right:  Rebekah was longing for cinnamon rolls today and her dad sent me this photo of her watching the bread machine make the dough,  Bottom right:  this photo was taken just as the snow stopped falling today.  Sure hope it is done! Bottom left: our grandsons played on hay bales Thursday afternoon when the temperature was in the 60's, 

Last evening rain fell, temperatures dropped, and ice formed.  Early this morning snow began to fall: large fluffy, light flakes that have accumulated to about 2 inches or so.  Farmer John is out feeding cattle, and he is nursing a cold.  I thought homemade soup would be just the thing for a day like today; but what to do?  We haven't made a grocery store run in over a week!  I don't even have a box of pasta of any sort on the shelf, but I did find some lasagna noodles.  I cobbled together a soup that we ended up loving and now am not sure how I did it.  I will do my best to record the process here:

Snowy Day Pantry Soup

Place 1 box oven ready lasagna noodles into a 9 x 13 baking dish and cover with boiling, salted water (about a quart of water with about a teaspoon of salt).  

 Brown:  

1/2 pound sausage 

1 red pepper, chopped  

1 medium onion, chopped 

2 medium carrots, sliced

3 stalks celery, sliced

2 cloves garlic, minced

Add:

2 cups diced tomatoes with juice

1 cup or so chopped cooked chicken

1 quart chicken broth

1 teaspoon ground oregano

1 teaspoon ground sage

1 teaspoon dried basil

Cut the lasagna noodles into bite sized pieces and add to the soup along with the salted water...taste and be careful not to get the soup too salty, can add just enough plain boiling water for the right consistency instead of the salted water if no extra salt is needed.  You might want to add an additional quart of chicken broth--we ended up with a LOT of noodles in this soup as they cooked and expanded.  I used regular sausage in this because that is what we had on hand, but Italian sausage would be good.  

Busy, Beautiful December

I focus on blessings and positives in this blog, almost as a coping mechanism for the things that are difficult.  A sorrow for us now is that my 95-year-old mother is finally winding down, sleeping more, eating little, no longer reaching for her water cup; a slow fading away.  She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease 16 years ago come April.  It has truly been a long goodbye, but there have been many blessings along the way. 

It really is such a blessing that there are so many joys in the midst of our sorrows, and that the Lord's sustaining, comforting presence overshadows the difficulties so that there truly is peace in the midst of pain.

Grandkids, celebrations, and the blessings of our Lord and Savior's birth have characterized this month.  I'll type out our Christmas day menu at the end of this post.

I have a December birthday, but my family didn't let me go without a celebration despite the rush and crush of Christmas activities.  Our daughter (bottom, center) made a beautiful supper for us including that DELICIOUS strawberry cheesecake upper left.  And Farmer John gifted me with a Tilley hat and Muck brand boots--now, if I haven't outgrown my insulated coveralls (!) I really have no excuse for not accompanying him to do winter chores.  

On Christmas day, John and I shared an impromptu dance while we waited in line for our plates at the Christmas brunch buffet hosted by our son and his wife.  John says we've watched too many Hallmark Christmas movies and it is beginning to impact our behavior.  Not necessarily a bad thing!!!  

I'm so in love with our Christmas tree this year that I'm letting it stay until the New Year.  I usually take the tree down the day after Christmas.  

Christmas Brunch Menu

Hot spiced fruit

Cinnamon rolls 

Bacon and link sausages

Sausage gravy and biscuits

Corn pancakes with maple syrup

Afternoon

Hot spiced cider

Dipped pretzels

Party Mix

Cheese balls 

Summer sausage and snack crackers

Evening

Ham and cheese sliders

Chicken salad sandwiches

Vegetable soup

Vegie tray

When Melinda brought out the vegetable tray we were all, like, oh yes, vegetables, we remember those...good idea!!!  

There were ten of us present, and needless to say, we ate well.  

Thank you Lord for the year on the farm, for our family, for our country, for the many blessings we've enjoyed, and yes, even for the sorrows we've endured.  We are so grateful.  Blessed be Your Holy Name!  

The Lord is the strength of his people...Psalm 28:8

November, 2019

My goodness November flew by.  Thanksgiving dinner was a success, thanks to everyone pitching in to bring various side dishes in combination with my complete lack of compunction about freezing things like mashed potatoes and gravy. All I had the to do the day of our event was to coordinate an elaborate thawing process.  For anyone who believes one can't freeze mashed potatoes--Google it! Mine ended up fluffy and perfectly adequate for our needs!  Here's a link to some that are very much like what I did, but I thawed them in a low oven, stirred to fluff, and put into the crockpot on the lowest setting until serving time:

 https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/freezer-mashed-potatoes/

My really controversial move was to bake and freeze the turkey ahead.  I know, I know, I know.  Just don't argue with me on this; I'm getting older, and the last minute hassle (and uncertainty) of carving a turkey fresh out of the oven is too much for me.  One reaches a stage when "good enough" is just fine!   I bought and baked a fresh turkey, carved it, covered it with broth, and froze it right in its serving dish about a week ahead of time.  On Thanksgiving day I placed the frozen dish into a 275 degree oven for about 90 minutes, checking and adjusting the heat as needed.  At serving time I drained the excess broth, and voila!  Moist, yummy turkey.  I promise, it was just as good and perhaps better than turkey I have made the day of the event; it seems as though the gentle heating in broth rehydrates even the white meat which we all know tends to be dry.

So many sweet family times happened during November.  I always feel like placing a caveat on all the golden moments I record here; this is my "counting our blessings" blog.  I don't record sorrows, or offer counsel for others suffering the burdens of a heavy caregiving load, as I do at http://copingandpraying.blogspot.com.  It is an excellent exercise for me to place my focus upon the portions of our days that are pure, lovely, excellent and praiseworthy (see Philippians 4:8).   

It occurs to me that some folks might question whether a frozen-ahead  turkey counts as a golden moment....

But anyway, here are some November memories that accentuate the positive:  

Change happens so fast as the days shorten during November.  This was at the beginning of the month before the leaves on the red maple had turned.  

New hairdo for Mel...

New glasses frames for me...

Moose appears to really appreciate the beauty of this sunset. :-)  

Busy Days

This has been such a busy past few weeks for Farmer John.  He has finished baling hay and hauled most of his big bales home.  With our son's help, he has begun harvesting corn.  And he has been working hard to bring our 300 head or so of cattle home for the winter, as pasture season ends October 15.  Today was cattle moving day.  I woke up at 4:45 and did devotions, then prepared a noon meal for our son's birthday.  The menu included meatloaf, roasted golden potatoes, Italian garlic bread, fruit, and steamed broccoli.  Dessert was Jon's favorite lemon bars.  At the end of this post I'll include an approximation of the way I made the meatloaf today.  I don't think my family is just being polite when they say they like this meat loaf--hope not because I make it pretty often!

I wasn't able to ride along on the cattle drive this year because of a rosacea breakout--I have to avoid the sun and wind when this happens.  But daughter Melinda sent photos so I could share in the day anyhow--and the troops will all gather here tonight for pizza!

Rebekah surveys the pasture of cattle from the sunroof of the parked  truck.  

We call Farmer John "the cow whisperer."  He casually strolls out and calls them a couple of times, and they follow.  

These three were eating popcorn on the ride to the pasture.  

When the truck stopped Rebekah and Isaac peered out the back window to see how Poppy gets all those cattle to cooperate with him.  Our "twins" will soon be 4 years old.  

Rebekah had Logan pinned here "I was squishing him!"  

Son-in-law, Brian, grandson, Daniel, and nephew John Lee encourage the cattle along.  

Logan read the littles a book to keep them entertained.  

Grandson Daniel, 11,  walked the entire 3 miles and was a real help this year.  

And here is a collage of photos from day before yesterday, when Melinda and her boys and I climbed the hill across the road from our house and played on the hay bales stacked there.  Loved this time together.

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Grammy's Meatloaf
(All ingredients approximate!)

For the loaf:

2 lbs lean ground beef
Ketchup (about a cup)
Italian seasoned bread crumbs (about 1.5 cups)
1/4 cup applesauce instead of an egg (for allergic kids)
2 Tablespoons dehydrated minced onion
2 or 3 cloves garlic, minced
1.5 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon pepper

For the topping:
Ketchup (about 2 cups)
Low sodium soy sauce (2 or 3 tablespoons)
Brown sugar (about a half cup...or so...)
Squeeze of fresh lemon juice, skip it if you only have the bottled stuff
1 or 2 cloves minced garlic

Form into a loaf, pour topping over, bake at 350 until safe internal temperature for beef, about an hour.  Watch to be sure the sweet topping doesn't start to scorch around the edges, add a little hot water if this happens (if your beef is very lean this is more likely).  Best to use a smallish pan so the topping pools around the loaf.   

I made the Pioneer Woman's lemon bars.  They are tart and delicious.  Be sure to refrigerate them for several hours before serving and don't forget to butter the pan really well, or use plenty of nonstick cooking spray.  Here's a link to this recipe:  

https://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/lemon-bars/

Two Weeks Into September

I've often said I don't understand how anyone can survive building a new house.  I've recently painted the kitchen cupboards, chairs, and walls, and the decisions about paint color and which pulls to choose for the drawers were hard for me!  This is not to speak of the agony I went through choosing new laminate for the countertops and island.  "It's just stuff" I kept telling myself.  But I waffled more during this remodel than at any other point in our 45 years of marriage because there is the overwhelming feeling that I won't be doing it again.  We remodel on the average of every 15 years or so, and next time around I'll be 80.  I don't see going through all this at that point in time, but who knows!

At my caregiving blog I've written about some of the struggles we are facing now, but this is my "Count Your Blessings" blog!  The Lord is gracious to provide us respite in these little things that bring joy.

Here are before and after photos of the countertops:

I like my new light fixture.  I couldn't find anything I liked and finally realized I was looking for a cross between farmhouse style and Rivendell -- which definitely does not exist in any lighting catalog.  I think I probably ended up with shabby chic--but I love it.  

And here are some fall decorations that I've put out piecemeal this week.  I am wishing for fall temperatures to go with the decor!

Painting by my mom, Anna Ruth.  She loved this little owl.  Don't you love the little vintage pumpkins?  They are handmade by my cousin's daughter.  Find her Etsy store at MyVintageNestbyApril https://www.etsy.com/shop/MyVintageNestByApril

I don't think I've ever used this coffeepot that I received as a wedding gift for its intended purpose.   It matches the pottery pattern I chose back then and still love.  

And, of course I have to include photos of the grandkids.

These two were making play pizzas and graciously offered me a bowl of black olives.  

We didn't realize how much our oldest grandson resembles his grandfather until I found this photo of Farmer John at the same age Daniel is now.  The meme that Daniel found online suits him to a tee--it says, "Since I didn't get my Hogwarts letter,  I'm going to the Shire, and making a shield, unless I feel The Force, or find a wardrobe.

And here's the girl with the golden curls...